Phenomenal! Just absolutely phenomenal! That’s the word for my oil wrestling session with my amazing, favourite wrestler Ari.
I really wish I could bottle up the sensational feeling from the match for those times I feel down in my “normal” life!
After 13 full hour sessions and one mini match against her, I thought it was high time I did something different to mix things up a little. Plus I really needed to try something to reverse my fortunes!
In all those sessions, Ari has made me tap out in pain 118 times while I have secured a grand total of zero submissions from her. I never said it was an even rivalry!
But this poor record is never going to put me off. Especially when the session in question is going to see me wrestling gorgeous Ari in oil!
Now, the seeds of my interest in such a session were sown during Ari’s very own Splosh Day event earlier this year.
As well as being a helper on the day and enjoying the messy madness, I had a mini oil session with the punk princess Amethyst Hammerfist. And it was fabulous. Slipping and sliding all over the place as we battled out a frenetic 3-3 draw! Extremely exciting and great fun.
Also on that day, Ari filmed an oil wrestling match with another hottie – Jade! Yes. Ari and Jade. Together. In oil. Oh my…sorry! Got a little distracted with my thoughts then!!
Anyway, you get the picture as to why I am a fan and so I thought I’d put my unbeaten oil wrestling record (!) on the line and fight her over an hour at Dodgy Dave’s place in Woking.
And while this was a new experience as far as our matches are concerned, one thing that remained the same, of course, is Ari’s beauty. As you can see from these photos, she looks as fantastic as ever.
We got oiled up and ready for action. In my head, the oil was going to be a great leveller. She wouldn’t be able to keep her holds locked on as I’d be slipping out of them!
What I’d foolishly failed to consider, however, was that I would have the exact same problem. It was no leveller at all! Right from the start, as we went to go at each other, I slipped on the oil on the mats and she was soon on top of me.
She used her skills to execute a perfect headlock that even the oil couldn’t help me out of and I had to tap! So much for things being different!!
Thankfully, the oil did come to my rescue on many other occasions. I was able to slide out of her many body and head scissor attempts and, at times, she simply couldn’t get hold of me like she easily would if it were a normal wrestling session.
Ari also attempted to lock on grapevines but the oil enabled me to slide to safety.
We rolled around, slipping in and out of each other’s grasps. I even managed to get a few attacks in myself! For the first time in several matches with her, I actually got my body scissors on her! She shouted out in pain a little but managed to fight out of them.
But then I did it again! This time with a head lock at the same time. “Do you submit?!” and “Tap out you stubborn cow!!” were amongst the phrases I shouted out in desperation but to no avail.
Instead she used her incredibly bendy legs to lock on to my ankles and apply excruciating pain. No amount of oil was going to save me and I had to give!
The match wasn’t all honest wrestling, however! Both of us used some pretty dirty tactics to try to get an advantage.
Ari had great fun tickling me, punching me, pulling my chest hair or “Epping Forest” as I like to call it, slapping me and biting me! I was no less guilty with my excessive hair pulling, ear twisting, shoving her face into Epping Forest, using her back as a bongo, slapping and – my new favourite move – burning her with my stubble!! The latter causing the most amount of pain and discomfort!! We were also both committed to giving the other painful wedgies – something Ari definitely proved adept at!
Ari and I were both getting away with this shocking behaviour as the ref – Ari’s awesome partner Kiwi – wasn’t really paying that much attention!
The dirty tricks were all well and good but it was still a wrestling match. And Ari was happily kicking my butt again in that regard. A head scissor which almost crushed my head in the way her thighs have crushed watermelons made me submit almost in tears and in immense pain!
Another head lock made it 4-0 and my unbeaten oil wrestling run was being brought to a spectacular end! I did try more legitimate attacks. I tried to get another headlock on but instead merely hurt her windpipe due to crap technique. Not good. Thankfully she was ok and totally cool about it but I definitely deserved a slap or two for it!
Ari being Ari though was having too much fun destroying me physically and mentally to care about a hurt windpipe (she usually wrestles with around half a dozen injuries anyway!). She bided her time and patiently waited for another submission and it came with a devastating body scissor!
I moaned, I hurt, I told her she was no longer my favourite – the usual whiney stuff.
Eventually time slipped away (a bit like my balance on the oil covered tarpaulin!) and the match was over and a 5-0 easy victory secured by the queen of all things messy – Ari!
And despite me failing miserably again to make her submit to me, I was buzzing. The whole match was a thrilling experience and everything I wanted it to be: very challenging and super fun. And this was down to Ari. I told her what I wanted and she delivered big time.
I’ve said time and time again how she is my favourite but one of the most amazing things about her is how she pushes the boundary and sets the bar higher every time. She seems driven to make each session more memorable – at least that’s how it seems to me!
And, with the humdrum “normal” world doing its best to bring me down, someone like Ari is worth her weight in gold! But I will make her tap out one day, god damn it!!